COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!

BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

How do you break an Auburn guy’s finger?
Punch him in the nose.

Why did the Auburn student marry the cow?
He had to.

How can you tell when there’s been an Auburn student in your backyard?
The garbage is gone and your dog’s pregnant.

What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?
Placing a sign on the animals that kick…

How do you castrate an Auburn football player?
You hit his sister in the jaw.

How do you compliment an Auburn fan?
Nice tooth.

How can you tell your getting close to Auburn?
If you stop to take a piss the cows will back up to the fence.

What is the definition of an Auburn virgin?
An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

An Auburn graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results. “Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the grad said, “Shoving them up my ass?”

MAJOR: Area of study that no longer interest you.

STUDENT ATHLETE: See “contradiction in terms.”

GRADE: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

SUMMER SCHOOL: A viable alternative to a summer job.

QUARTER: The most coveted form of currency on campus.

HUNGER: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad